Filed under: animation (western), anime, comics (print), internet nonsense, literature, live action tv, ridiculousness
Shipping is a strange and woolly phenomenon. I mean, I can understand why people do it and find it fun–it’s fun to speculate about romance, after all, and it’s much easier and less risky to do it with fictional characters than with real people. Heck, I’ve even had brief fascinations with ‘ships in my time (not telling you which ones–people I know in real life read this thing and I gotta hide my powerlevel!) Still, this doesn’t negate the fact that a lot shipping is extremely silly. That, I imagine, is one of the big reasons behind its appeal.
One aspect I never will understand, however, are the portmanteau names. You see them in mainstream gossip mags all the time–Brangelina, TomKat, etc. etc.–and they never stop being silly-sounding. What’s even worse is when fans start to identify themselves via their ship names, leading to large groups of otherwise sane teenage girls referring to themselves as ‘Zuatarans’ or ‘Harmonians’ like they’re aliens from a 1950s B-movie. With that, I present the top nine worst shipping portmanteaus. Please note that in this list I’m not bashing the pairing in question (for most of these, I haven’t even seen/read the canon in question), just the name, so don’t worry, I’m not internet persecuting you.
9. Suzalulu (Suzaku/Lelouch, Code Geass)
This one just sounds silly. I think I had a mai tai at a tiki bar called ‘Suzalulu’ once.
8. Spuffy (Spike/Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
I absolutely refuse to ever watch Buffy (watch me get hooked on it a few months from now and start writing vampire slashfic or something), but I’ve known enough enough fans of the show to know that shipping is serious business. The shipping names, though, are not, as evinced by ‘Spuffy’. And its rival ship, ‘Bangel’, doesn’t get off easily either.
7. Logurt (Wolverine/Nightcrawler, X-Men)
Don’t you want some delicious Logurt? It’s the cultured pairing! Hee. I slay myself.
6. Gwack (Gwen/Jack, Torchwood)
Gwack gwack gwack!
5. USUK (America/United Kingdom, Axis Powers Hetalia)
I’m sorry, I really am. I just can’t help but read it as “u suk”. And names for slash ships should generally be a bit more eloquent than YouTube comments.
4. KatPee (Katniss/Peeta, The Hunger Games)
Eew. Now I have even less of a reason to ever read these books.
3. Kum (Kurt/Sam, Glee)
Kum. Kum. Kum. There’s no way to say it that sounds good. In fact, Glee in general is really bad with it’s shipping names: it’s also given us “Furt” (Finn/Kurt, sounds like an armpit farting noise) and “Puckleberry” (Puck/Rachel, sounds like something old people have to eat).
2. Rwanda (Ralphie/Wanda, The Magic Schoolbus)
I don’t know which is worse, that there are Magic Schoolbus shippers out there, or that they decided to name their shop after one of the most war-ravaged countries on the planet. Like, I feel bad making jokes here. Let’s go on to the next one.
1. Chair (Chuck/Blair, Gossip Girl)
So you ship Chair? Because I ship End Table! I hate those people who ship Sofa, though; that pairing is so OOC.
There are plenty of pairings out there that take names from real-life objects and phenomena, but I’m singling this one out because it just seems so silly to go on the internet and say “Chair forever!” or “I hate Chair!” or “I wish more people wrote about Chair!”. It’s just…Chair. I don’t know what else to say.
Well, I hope you learned something about the magic of shipping. I know I certainly didn’t. But wasn’t it fun not learning anything?
And before you ask, me and my girlfriend’s portmanteau couple name is “Weaselboner”, so in a way making this list was cathartic.
I’ve just found the best website on the internet. I’m never going to be able to top it, so why bother?
I present to you:
It’s been real.